New Beginnings
by fairyjen1984
Summary: Station 51 gets their first female firefighter. The guys are apprehensive but she catches the attention of Stoker. As he befriends her he learns that she is struggling with a past that haunts her. As their friendship grows into much more will they be able to keep their relationship a secret and more importantly can he help her move past her pain? Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

Ch. 1 "Nightmares"

Flames surrounded the pair as they advanced through the warehouse. Though they had fought the dragon for well over two hours it continued to advance. Exhaustion was beginning to creep up on the pair when Cap's voice came over the radio.

"Engine 12 to HT 12."

This is HT 12, go ahead Engine 12."

"The fire is advancing quickly in your direction. Get out of there!"

"10-4 Cap. We are on our way."

"Come on Jesse, we gotta jet!"

His partner shook her head. "Come on Weaver! Give me a couple more minutes I…"

"You heard Cap. Now let's GO!" Weaver grabbed her arm. Reluctantly she gave in and turned off the water. She didn't need a chewing from Cap. When he gave orders he meant it and did not tolerate insubordination. Together they headed out navigating through the fiery debris and hoses. Thick black smoke filled the area making it dark. I was getting uncomfortably hot which meant the dragon was close and getting closer. As she continued forward Jesse began to feel the floor beneath her feet shift.

She turned to grab Weaver but it was too late. All she saw were embers and smoke pouring out of a freshly opened hole. Johnson quickly ran to the edge of the hole leading into a basement. She quickly scanned the area afraid he had fallen to the bottom. Her pulse rate quickened. Two feet directly below her she saw him hanging on to a beam protruding from the floor. She quickly fell to the floor and her stomach and crawled to the opening. Reaching out Jesse grabbed Weaver's jacket and SCBA straps. She tried desperately to pull him up. Though her arms felt as if they were being torn apart, she persisted. _Come on! Come on! I can't give up. I can't lose my brother. _She struggled to keep her grip. The straps were cutting into her hands despite the gloves.

"Jess let me go! There is no sense in both of us falling."

"No Brandon. I'm not letting you go. Give me your hand."

"No Jess, LET GO! It will be ok." She looked into his face surprised to see no fear there. His blue eyes were calm and peaceful. "It will be ok. Just let go. I'll be with you always." Jess began to feel herself slipping forward and the ember began to burn through her jacket. Her grip was quickly diminishing. Her frantic efforts only accelerated her slide to the edge of the hole. Her fingers began to slip from under the straps. Unable to hang on any longer she watched in horror as he fell into the smoke and fire filled abyss.

"NNNNNOOOOOOO!"

Bolting upright in her bed, Jesse awaked from the nightmare. She was drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. "Shit! When will this stop?!" She yelled into the darkness. _All that damn counseling and medication for what? So the memories of that night can still haunt me?"_ After glancing at the alarm clock she cursed. "That figures, its four A.M. That was the time that IT happened." She picked up the clock and threw it against the wall in a fit of rage. The impact with the wall caused it to explode.

She stumbled around the boxes to the kitchen. As she filled the coffee pot with water she remembered her probationary time at Station 12.

"_Damn it, Johnson! How many times to I have to tell you it's the Probies job to make the coffee! It better be good."_

"_Lay off Davis. She's still new. Quit your bitching and look she already has it made. It's not bad either."_

_Davis snatched up the pot. "We'll see about that!" Taking a sip his eyebrows rose in surprise. He turned toward Jesse sitting at the table reading the paper. "Not bad Probie. It's not great but it's not bad. Hell at least it's better than that shit MacGreggor serves." _

Jesse chuckled as she set the pot on the stove. She missed the guys at Station 12 in Texas, but she knew that things would never be the same there. Her psychiatrist said she was running from the problem when she announced that she would be moving to Carson, California. In an act of defiance she told the shrink that she could go to hell. When she arrived in Carson things didn't get better. The brass at the LA County fire department had been reluctant in hiring the first female ever to their department. However after seeing her résumé they agreed to a position as lineman at Station 51 on the condition that she would not be given any special treatment. Special treatment was not something that she wanted anyway.

Two and a half hours later she pulled into the station and parked beside a white Rover. Getting out of her truck she grabbed her gear bag and took a long deep breath. Jesse felt nervous as she crossed the parking lot into the apparatus bay. The first thing she noticed was a rescue squad. She hung her head and gave a long sigh. _Great! The one station that has an opening comes complete with a paramedic rescue squad._ She wondered how the guys would receive her. Taking a calming deep breath she headed toward the captain's office.


	2. Chapter 2

New Beginnings Ch. 2: New Territory

"Come on Cap you're pulling our leg. A girl?"

"Yes John, a girl will be replacing Marco."

"B-b-but Cap…"

"I don't have a problem as long as she can do her job as well as the next guy."

"Thanks Roy. It's an adjustment for all of us. However McConikee assures me that she is quite capable. I want everyone to make her feel welcome. Let me make it clear that I do not want any of you trying to get a date. She is here to do a job and nothing more."

"AWWW! Come on Cap! Not even a couple of drinks at McMillan's"

"No Chet! That's an order, pal."

"It's ok, Chet. I doubt you'd be her type anyway."

"Shut up John!"

Jesse stopped at the doorway when she overheard the guys voicing their opinion at receiving a female as a replacement. Feeling the knot in her stomach tighten she dropped her gear bag to the floor. A sudden wave of nausea caused her to feel faint. As she reached her hand out to lean against the wall, she took a deep breath in attempting to calm her nerves. _Come on Jess. Get it together._ After the feeling passed she bent down to pick up her gear bag.

"Hey are you ok?" The voice from behind caused her to jump. She turned around to see a tall guy with short dark hair polishing a nozzle. "Yeah…. "She paused as she noticed his hauntingly familiar blue eyes. Her heart skipped a beat. "I'm fine." He pointed toward the day room. "I wouldn't pay any attention to them. Just give them some time and they will learn that you're just as capable as the next guy. I'm Mike Stoker, engineer." She took his hand. "Jesse Johnson." Mike smiled warmly as he looked her over. "Welcome to 51's." _Damn she's good-looking. I love that short hair. Most girls can't pull it off, but wow she's got it nailed. Cool it, Cap would never approve._

John came barreling out of the room running right into Jesse. The momentum of the impact knocked her right into Mike. He caught her preventing her from falling on the floor. "John, will you watch where you're going. Jesse are you ok?" Mike helped her stand. All she could do was nod and stare at the tall boyish person in front of her. John had a look of surprised plastered on his face. Her heart raced as she felt Mike's hand on the small of her back. She was sure she was blushing. _Mike is so much like Weaver. _"Sorry!" John threw up his hands and stormed off to the squad. He slammed the doors and muttered under his breath as he checked the equipment. "Excuse me." A strawberry blond man came out of the day room and approached the squad. "Johnny hold on. Let's talk about this." "Talk about what, Roy. There's nothing bothering me. It's just..just...forget it." Roy placed his hand on the equipment door. "I'm not the one who brought it up. Now you want me to forget about it. You never cease to amaze me Johnny."

"Mike, I see you've met Jesse. I'm Captain Stanley, welcome to 51." Jesse shook his hand "Thanks sir. I'm looking forward to working here." "Please call me Cap or Captain; sir is too formal. Mike show her the dorm and her locker pal. Gage in my office NOW!" She was surprised at how friendly and approachable he seemed. It was a stark contrast to Captain Moore. "Sure Cap. Come on the dorm is this way. We'll get you gear situated. By then it will be time for roll call and you'll meet the rest of the crew." As they passed the squad Mike asked Roy what was John's problem. "Ah you know John. He gets upset about the weirdest things."

"Ok well you can use Marco's old locker seeing as how it's the only one open. It's right here by mine and Chet's." She opened the locker and set her bag inside. "Move it Stoker! I'm running late. You would not believe…Hey does Cap know you have a girl in here?"

"Yes. Jesse meet Chester B. Kelly, your partner."

"Call me Chet babe. Only my mother calls me Chester. I'm glad to meet you. Now please move I don't want latrine duty today."

"Don't have to worry about that. John has already made latrine officer of the day and possibly the rest of the month."

"Damn Stoker! What did he do, burn Cap's hat?" Jessie quietly chuckled at the short Irishman. His mustache reminded her of Davis. Respect the 'stach was his motto. Jesse unpacked her turnout gear and placed her toiletries on the shelf of her locker. She had brought only one set of department blues in case of emergency. Hanging them in the locker she asked Mike where they kept the turnouts. "Well the pants and boots go by your bed. We only use them at night. You can leave your helmet and jacket on the seat behind mine."

The Klaxons sounded. "Station 51 car accident at the corner of Las Colinas Boulevard and Sunset Boulevard. Las Colinas and Sunset. Time out 7:15." Jesse grabbed her gear and headed toward the engine. Passing John she noticed the stern look on his face. _Cap's office must not have been kind. _


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3: Car Accident and Revelations

Engine 51 pulled on a dismal scene. Jessie turned in her seat and cringed at what she saw. The accident involved two vehicles. A Chevy pickup had collided with a Dodge Charger then ricochet into a telephone pole which leaned precariously. Power lines had fallen over the cab of the truck creating a hazard. The Charger had rolled on the driver's side and more than likely was leaking fuel. Police were already on scene and trying to control the growing crowd.

"LA Engine 51 at scene. We have a two vehicle accident with injuries unknown. Request ambulance this location."

"Engine 51"

"Chet pull an inch and a half. Jesse assist Roy and John with extrication."

Jesse headed toward the Charger. Roy had already begun his assessment of the driver. She crouched down to his level noticing his face looked grim. The victim was entangled in the dashboard; blood covered her face and shirt. Jesse already knew the answer but asked anyway. "What do you have Roy?" He crawled out from under the car. He shook his head. "She's gone, bled out from a punctured carotid. I'm going to help John. Get a blanket and cover the victim the crowd doesn't need to see that." Her heart sank the woman looked so young. Jesse nodded and ran to the engine for an asbestos blanket.

"What do you need?" Mike called out from the control panel. "Asbestos blanket." Mike opened a compartment next to the pump panel. He handed it to her. Noticing her face he inquired, "That bad huh?" Jesse sadly nodded as she returned to the car. It always bothered her, losing a victim. As she was placing the blanket across the woman she noticed a small shoe wedged between the seats. She reached out and gently pulled on the shoe; it retracted. Jesse's heart raced as she moved to the rear door on her stomach. "Hello? Can you hear me?" She heard a small whimper and proceeded to remove the debris that was around her. Upon removal of a suitcase and a jacket she found a small girl. "Hi sweetheart, hang on we're going to get you out. Are you hurt anywhere?" The child nodded and pointed toward her trapped leg.

"Ok hang on. I will be right back, I have to get help."

"No don't leave me! I'm scared."

"It's all right but I need you to stay calm, ok? I have to get some friends to help us."

"Ok my leg hurts really bad. Please help me"

Jesse leaned out from the door. "Cap! Need help over here. There's a small child trapped in the backseat! Bring the porta-power." She crawled into the narrow space. The rear door had been completely caved in by the impact and the rear seat had come loose. Her jacket caught on a piece of the B pillar that hung down. She pulled hard and winced when she heard it tear. The metal dug into her shoulder and she felt a warmth roll down her shoulder. _Great! First day and I tear my jacket. _She ignored it and proceeded with the task at hand. "Ok sweetheart. My name's Jesse. I'm going to check you out. If anything hurts let me know, ok?" Jesse checked the child's pulse and respirations. "Jesse what do you have?" _Great. Figures John would be the first over. _ "A girl, she has her leg trapped under the passenger seat. Pulse 130 Respirations 24 and shallow. Pupils are unequal but reactive. I can't tell how bad the injury to her leg is but, I need a c-collar and the porta-power."

John stood stunned holding the bio-com and drug box. _Did she just rap off vitals?! And why does she need a c-collar? That's not standard protocol. She's not a paramedic. But then again maybe the girl really needs it. Jess is in there and I'm not._ "Ok porta-power is on its way." He reached into the trauma box that Roy had brought over and removed a c-collar. "Here." John passed the collar through the narrow space. Grabbing it she turned her attention to the terrified child.

"What's your name?"

"Cindy. What's that for?"

"Cindy this is a special necklace. It helps keep you from getting hurt while we move you out."

"It's not very pretty."

Jesse laughed. "True but on you it will look like a necklace made for a princess." She gently wrapped it around the child's neck. "Here's the porta-power. Do you need anything else?" Jesse shook her head as she placed the equipment under the edge of the passenger seat. It was a small space and she felt like a circus contortionists. "Ok Cindy I need you to stay very still. This may hurt a little but I need you to be very brave." Jesse pumped the lever till she heard the seat pop forward. Reaching under the seat she gently removed the child's foot. "Owwww. It hurts!" Cindy screamed. Jesse did a quick assessment of the injury before backing out with her. She noticed a fair amount of red blood was pouring from a long gash on her leg. _Possible arterial damage. _Outside the car John and Roy were waiting with a backboard unsure if it's needed or not. Jesse gently placed the child on it. "Ok Cindy, you were very brave. I have to go but I'm leaving you with a friend. This is John; he's going to take care of you. Watch her leg, possible fracture with arterial injury." Ignoring the pain in her shoulder Jesse gently patted the child on her arm and proceeded to the engine to see if Chet needed any help.

John watched as Jess walked away, making note that she was favoring her left shoulder.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4 Withdrawal

Clearing the rest of the scene took very little time once the wrecker arrived. Surprisingly the driver of the pickup walked away with only minor injuries. The power company arrived and reset the leaning pole and Station 51 returned home.

Once back at the station Jesse made a quick retreat to the locker room. She pulled out the necessary items from her gear bag and sat on the bench in front of her locker. After carefully removing her work shirt she inspected the damage in the mirror. _Shit it really needs stitches and I don't have time to do them here. Oh well butterflies it is. There's only 21 hours left in this shift. It will be cutting it close but I have no other choice. _She carefully tore the medical tape, formed it into butterflies and pulled the wound closed. After applying the nonstick pad she quickly put on her extra shirt. As she was hiding evidence of her injury in her bag John came in.

"Um sorry didn't know you were in here." Jesse shrugged and directed her eyes to the floor. "It's ok I'm done. I'll get out of your way." As she closed her locker she turned to leave her gaze never leaving the floor. "Uh Jesse?" John reached out and placed his hand on her bad shoulder. She inhaled sharply. _So I did see something other than a torn jacket. Why didn't she tell anyone? What is she afraid of?" _

"I wanted to ask you about what happened back there. Ya know when you were in the car with the victim. You're more than just a firefighter aren't you?"

"I'm sorry I stepped out of line. It won't happen again. It wasn't my place to do what I did. Turn me into the Captain if you have to. I understand."

"Jess I'm not taking this to Cap. I'm just trying to figure you out. Apparently there is more to you than you're letting on. You really knew what you were doing back there."

"There's nothing to figure out Gage. I merely stepped out of line in handling that victim. I tried to take charge of a situation I had no business taking charge of."

"You were right about the girl's leg. She did have arterial damage. She's ok; Brackett stitched her up."

"That's good."

"Hey uh Jess, I'm sorry about my attitude earlier. It's just different having a girl around."

Jesse shrugged. "It's ok. Guess I'm having problems adjusting too." John took a deep breath. "Jesse is your shoulder ok? I thought I saw something as you were pulling the girl out." Jesse panicked. _He noticed?! _"Uh...yeah it's ok." she whispered as she left the room. John looked to the floor and rubbed his eyes. _You are quite the puzzle. _He did a double take as he noticed the corner of her shirt that was hanging out of her locker. Pulling the door open he gasped. _Why?! Why wouldn't you say something? Do you not trust us?_ John debated on confronting her. _Well she is grown. Maybe it's not that bad._

She quietly entered the dayroom. Mike looked up and started to smile till he saw her face. _What's going on with her? She's been withdrawn since we got back. _"Hey there you are! We were fixing to send out the bloodhounds. Hey babe lunch is ready and you're in for an epicurean delight." Chet set a large pan on the table. Mike leaned over toward her. "Don't worry it's just stew. He claims everything he cooks is an epicurean delight though I would suggest some antacids afterwards .I have plenty in my locker if you need some."

She kept her head down and pushed the stew around her plate with her fork. She wasn't really hungry. "Hey why aren't you eating? My cooking is not that bad." Jesse shrugged. "Sorry Chet. I'm just not hungry." _Haven't been since the accident. _"Well ok. When you do get hungry it'll be in the oven. There's plenty. Since I like you so much I will even leave you some of this bread." Even though he was trying to keep his voice low she overheard Roy talking with John.

"So did you ask?"

"Yeah but I couldn't get anything. It's a real puzzle Roy."

"Give it time Junior."

"Yeah I guess you're right. It just bothers me, people keeping secrets."


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5: Pain Revealed

It was two in the morning and as usual Jesse sat on the couch in the dayroom wide awake. She had been at station 51 for three weeks and every night after everyone was asleep she came to the dayroom. It wasn't that she was afraid to sleep in the dorm; it was she didn't want to wake the guys when the nightmares came. Since she started here they became more and more frequent. At home her sleep was fitful to say the least. She sighed and continued to stroke Henry's fur. _At least he enjoys having company._

In the dorm Mike too lay awake. He stared at the empty bunk next to him. _Not sleeping again Jesse? Has she ever slept all night? _Her behavior worried him. She seemed withdrawn and secretive. During the day she only spoke when spoken to and disappeared often. Hell even when Chet made her his new pigeon she didn't even acknowledge it. He'd bombed her with water grenades, changed her shave cream so it turned her legs purple, floured her bunk, taped a cupcake with neon pink frosting inside her helmet and even changed her gear so it was a size too big and through it all she gave no reaction. Mike tried hard to make her feel welcome. He invited her to a barbeque he hosted but she turned him down saying she had things that needed taken care of. He often sought her out when she disappeared to various locations in the station, but she'd rarely talk to him. John even tried reaching out to her by asking her what she thought on various subjects but had no success. As much as he hated to he thought of bringing it up to Cap.

Giving a long sigh Mike got out of his bunk put on his turnout pants and headed to the dayroom. "You are going to talk to her pal?" Mike froze at the sound of his captain's voice behind him. He didn't realize that Cap wasn't asleep either. Mike turned to see him standing at the door to his office. "Yeah I'm going to try." Mike whispered. "Cap, how long have you known that she's not sleeping?"

"Just a couple of shifts. Mike try to reach her pal. I'm worried about her. I understand being quiet and reserved, but she's more than that. I don't want to report her as a firefighter in distress. You probably do not know but it would mess up her chances at any type of promotion in the future. She's a good fireman with lots of potential."

"I will see what I can do. I hope it doesn't come to that."

Before entering Mike looked in to the dayroom. Jesse sat with her head against the back of the couch eyes closed and petting Henry. He flipped the switch turning on the lights above the stove. She jumped at the sudden light. "Sorry, I didn't realize anyone was in here." He lied. She just shrugged. "Hey I'm a little hungry. That stuff Roy served for dinner just didn't stick with me. Would you like to share some Oreos?" Mike pulled out the package and a couple of glasses. He set them on the table before retrieving the milk.

_I know what you're doing Mike. _"Sure. I'll take a couple." Both sat at the table feeling awkward. Mike decided to break the ice. "Where are you from?" She pushed her Oreos back and forth on the table as she quietly responded. "Texas."

"Wow you came a long way from home. What brought you to Carson?"

"I needed a change. What better place that way out west for a fresh start?"

Mike nodded. _In other words you're running from something. No one just up and decides to make such a drastic move._ He decided to dig deeper risking her shutting down completely. "So Jesse I noticed you're wearing at Saint Florian necklace. Are you Catholic?" Jesse shook her head sadly. "No it belonged to a very good friend. He uh…he…I mean..." She stopped as her vision blurred tears filling her eyes. She tried to focus on dunking her Oreos in the milk but it was becoming increasingly difficult. Mike leaned forward in his seat. _So that's it, you lost your friend._ "Jesse I'm sorry. I don't mean to pry; I'm just worried about you. I know you're hurting and I want you to know I'm here when you're ready." He gently placed his hand over hers giving it a gentle squeeze.

Breaking the silence the Klaxons sounded. "Station 51 unknown type rescue. 1221 West Birdsong. 1221 West Birdsong, cross street 13th avenue." Mike quickly let go of her hand. "Well duty calls." Jesse nodded as she tried to process the emotions that she was feeling. "Hey how about you come with me for breakfast after shift? I'm not taking 'No" for an answer. I'll throw you in my truck if I have to."


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6: Prying

Engine 51 pulled on scene finding a frantic woman pacing on the front lawn. "You have to help him. Please you have to help him! Hurry!" Captain Stanley placed his hands on the woman's shoulders. "Ma'am calm down and tell me what happened." Taking a deep breath she responded. "It's my husband, Frank. He has his arm caught in the garbage disposal. He got up to get a snack. For some reason he took off his wedding band knocked it into the disposal and tried to get it. Now his arm's stuck. Please you have to help him."

Cap sighed. _Some people never cease to amaze me. _"Ok we'll get him out. John, Roy victim's in the kitchen. He has his hand caught in the garbage disposal. The rest of you stay out here till we see what we have." Jesse sat on the rear of the engine knowing that it would be a quick call. "So babe, what do you make of that nut? Imagine getting his hand caught in a disposal. And at three in the morning! What a riot!" Jesse rolled her eyes as she saw Chet leaning against the engine.

"Hey Chet go take a flying leap off that ditch over there."

"Aww babe come on you have to admit it was a pretty dumb move."

"Chet I don't judge the actions of others. We've all done stupid things; besides a wedding band is too important to leave in the drain. I do agree that he should have called a plumber in the morning instead of dragging us out in the middle of the night."

"Wow babe we are talkative tonight."

Jesse got up leaving Chet to his musings. Ten minutes later Cap gave the all clear and they headed back to the station. Since everyone was awake Jesse went and lay in her bunk. With her hands behind her head she stared at the ceiling trying to figure out how to get out of breakfast with Stoker. _I won't take 'No' for an answer even if I have to throw you in my truck. _Then there were the feelings she'd felt when he held her hand.

Finally the morning tones went off allowing her to leave her bunk. First stop was her locker for her medication. She glared at the label: Amitriptyline 50mg. _Damn meds! _After downing her daily pill she headed to the kitchen and made the morning coffee. "Hey! Jess made the coffee. Man how I love her coffee." John poured himself a cup and sat at the table next to Jesse who sat head down over her cup. _Man! Do you ever look anywhere but down? _In an effort to reach her he initiated a conversation. "So Jess read that the National Registry for EMT's is really taking off. Do you know anything about it?" She shrugged.

"Heard of it."

"Well Roy and I are planning on taking the next test."

"Gage no offense but why are you telling me this? I'm just a firefighter and have no interest in paramedic stuff."

"Well that's not what I've heard. Bellingham was telling me he was talking to a guy at headquarters about the test. He said that there was someone here who had already taken it. Now it wasn't me and I know it wasn't Roy. Stoker, Chet and even Cap haven't been through training, so that leaves you. It sure does explain a lot. Like how you handled your first call here."

"Ok Gage so I used to be a medic. Used to being the operative term. I don't do that anymore. Please let it go. Just let it go." Her voice wavered. Leaving the room she threw up her hands. "Jesse, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Jesse!" He called after her. Jesse headed out to the lot behind the station and sat against the wall. Placing her head against her knees she remembered how she'd gotten into being a paramedic.

"_Oh come of Jesse-bug. It will be fun and think of how far we can go." Weaver placed his arm around her. "And it's at Brayton training field. I know you're dying to go there." Jesse sighed staring at the brochure. She did want to go because it is the premier training field in Texas. Taking a deep breath she caved. "Ok Brandon I will go but only because it's you that asked me." He placed his arms around her lifting her off the ground. "Whoo hoo! Jesse-bug you're the greatest. You won't regret it I promise!" _ Leaning her head against the wall the tears softly rolled down her cheeks and her shoulders shook.

Mike watched from the doorway. He'd seen her leave the kitchen and followed her. Concern filled his face. _Is this what she does when she's all alone? _ He walked toward her. Hearing his footsteps she quickly wiped the tears from her face. "Jess its ok. What's wrong?" She stared at the ground and continued to wipe her face. "What do you want Stoker? Why are you out here?"

"I only want to help you. You have something major going on, and you can't continue to handle things by yourself. Jess it's tearing you up inside."

"I killed my best friend! Ok I admit it. I killed Weaver! His blood is on my hands!"


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7: Concern

"Jess what are you talking about?" She forcefully blew her last breath out. "I'm responsible for my best friend's death. If I hadn't been there he would still be alive." Mike reached out to hold her but she pulled away. "Jess let me help or if not me then someone else." She looked into his eyes and replied, "Mike let it go. I'm beyond any help. Just let it go."

Jess entered the station to retrieve her duffel. John was in the locker room getting ready to head home. "Hey Jesse! Look I'm sorry about that whole paramedic thing. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought it was cool that you are one. We now have something in common that we can talk about. I was kind of hoping you could help me study. I heard the test is a bitch." Jess threw her toiletries and medication in her bag. "It's ok Gage. You just reminded me of an old friend. I'll see what I can do about helping you study." John smiled as he closed his locker. "Far out! Thanks Jess!"

"No problem John, just give me a few days to gather some study materials." She left the locker room and ran to her truck. She wanted to go home, and be away from Mike, away from everyone. Mike watched her leave and worry flooded him as her last words rang loud and clear. '_I'm beyond any help.' _ He made his way back inside where Captain Stanley was waiting for him. "Hey pal what happened? Jesse just left out of here like a bat out of hell. I wanted to ask her something about her personnel file."

"I just may have caused her to shut down completely."

"Oh?"

"I got her to open up a little last night and a little more just now. She's really struggling Cap. I asked her to get some help."

"Mike do I need to contact headquarters?"

"No, just give me a little more time. Can I have her address?"

Cap nodded and retrieved the address from her file. He handed the information to Mike. "Good luck pal. Call me at home if you need anything."

Upon arriving at home Jesse threw her duffel on the floor and headed for a hot shower. She let her emotions come forth as she stood under the water. She couldn't contain them any longer. She sobbed as tears mixed with the water and flowed down the drain. She debated on whether to stay at 51's or to run again. _How can he trust me after I told him what I did? How can anyone trust me? _She leaned against the wall and let the water run down her head. She stayed till the water ran cold.

Mike pulled into the parking lot of Jesse's apartment complex. He stared in surprise at what he saw. Saying it's run down was an understatement. Trash littered the parking lot; the buildings looked as though they needed condemning. People loitered across the parking lot and stairways. _They are high, probably tripping acid._ _Cap had to have written the address down wrong. There's no way Jess lives here._ Mike leaned forward in his seat and scanned the parking lot. _ Well there's her truck. Guess I do have the right place._

He made his way up the stairway to apartment 36B. A man stopped him on the stairs. He was obviously high on something. "Hey man you're not a cop are you?" Mike shook his head. "That's great man! Then welcome to Shady Grove. Can I interest you in a hit?" He held out a joint. "No, I'm good." The man nodded then shouted," Hey everyone all clear this dude's not a cop." Shaking his head Mike knocked on the door. _Really Jess? Of all the apartment complexes you picked this one? _There wasn't any response so he knocked again. His heart raced as he knocked harder and more frantically. "Jesse! Jesse, its Mike. Please open the door!" The door next door opened and an elderly woman stuck her head out. "Young man what on earth are you doing?"

"Ma'am I'm sorry to disturb you but I'm checking on Jess."

"Are you a friend of hers?"

"Yes ma'am. I work with her at the fire station."

"Well I'm glad to see that she has someone to check up on her. I worry about that child. She seems so alone and sad. Oh! Sorry dear, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Mrs. Dunlap."

"I'm pleased to meet you Mrs. Dunlap. I'm Michael Stoker."

"Michael. That's a lovely name for such a handsome fellow. Jesse got home not too long ago. The sweet dear always brings my mail up. Well if you need anything just knock on the door."

"Thank you ma'am." Mike beat on the door again with no response. Worry flooded him as her last words came to mind. '_I'm beyond help'._ _NO! She wouldn't have. Did I miss the signs? _He pounded harder on the door. "Jesse, please for the love of God open the door!"


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8:

Mike became terrified and his hand was sore from beating on the door. _No Jess, please God no! _He'd been outside her door for what seemed like an eternity but received no response. As he leaned his forehead against the forest green door, he began to weigh his options. One he could break in the door but the odds of having it fixed in a reasonable amount of time were slim to none. Two he could borrow Mrs. Dunlap's phone to call a squad. However given the apartments proximity to the station meant guys they both knew would respond. He knew the second option was the better choice, but he decided to knock one more time before heading to the apartment next door. Raising his arm he beat on the door with intensity. _Jess please, please open this door. God let her be ok._

Jesse stepped out of the shower to hear someone banging on her door. "Son of a bitch! Chill out! " She threw on some clothes, grabbed a towel for her hair, and headed toward the door. The banging intensified. _Damn hippies. _"Bobby how many times do I have to tell you that I'm not loaning you money to buy more weed!" she said as she opened the door. Surprise filled her face as she saw Mike standing there panicked. "Stoker?!"

Breathing a sigh of relief he wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace. Jesse had no choice but to bury her face in his chest. Her pulse quickened and her breathing became erratic as his warmth and scent filled her. Jesse let out a soft whimper. _God he smells good._ "Jess, thank God. Are you all right?" He pulled her away from himself but kept his hand on her shoulders. Feeling awkward she turned her eyes to the concrete in front of her door. She didn't want to admit that she enjoyed his embrace. If felt so comforting. "Uh…um yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" She played with the hem of her shirt trying to avoid looking at him. "Jesse, may I come in? I really want to talk to you about what you said at the station and out here is not an option. You know with everyone around." She pushed opened the door wider. "Yeah sure, I guess it will be ok."

As Mike entered her small apartment he noticed that there were many boxes left unpacked, the room was dark and there was little furniture. She had no photographs or other decorations that would make a house a home. "So you want some coffee?" He turned his attention to her. She had dressed in short light blue cotton shorts and a thin tight-fitting spaghetti strap shirt. The shirt accentuated her curves making it obvious she wasn't wearing a bra. His body became warm and he was certain that his face had become red. "Um….err…uh. Y-yeah that'd b-b-be great." _Damn Jess. _He took a seat at a card table in the kitchen as she turned her back to him. He couldn't help but stare at her. _Wow! _Trying to calm himself he bit his lip and looked around the kitchen.

Jesse brought two mugs of coffee to the table and sat across from him. She added sugar to her mug and sat quietly stirring. After several moments of silence she spoke. "I guess I owe you an explanation." Mike took a sip of his coffee and realized he'd bitten too hard on his lip when the hot coffee stung.

"Jesse I don't want to pressure you. I want you to tell me in your own time, but baby you scared me when you said that you were beyond help. That's why I came here. I…I…I was afraid I was going to find you… that you had…that you'd done something stupid. I panicked when you didn't open the door; I was getting ready to ask Mrs. Dunlap if I could use her phone to call a squad."

"Michael I would never do that. Brandon once told me after a failed attempt to rescue someone,"It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." No matter how bad things get, no matter how I feel suicide is never an option for me. I've seen what it does to the people left; I could never put anyone through that kind of guilt. Yes Michael I blame myself for what happened to Brandon. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about what I could have done differently. He died because of me, because of a rookie mistake."

"I don't know what happened on that day but know that everyone at the station cares about you. You're family but you haven't let anyone get to know you. You hide away avoiding everyone. It's like you're afraid; that you don't trust us, that you don't trust me."

Mike reached out and took her hand. "Let me help you through this. Like I said you cannot keep going by yourself. Jesse, baby, I care about you; you can trust me." Jesse sat quietly staring at her now cold coffee. He was right; she was afraid. _I can't afford to get close to others. I can't go through that again._ After a few minutes she lifted her eyes so hers met his. She looked tired and worn out. Her eyes showed the pain and loneliness she felt. His heart ached as he felt it. She sat quietly for several minutes. Jesse weighed the possibility of letting Mike into her darkness.

"Do you really mean it?" Mike squeezed her hand. "Yes I do." She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and pulled her knees to her chest wrapping her arms around them. _Can I take that risk? He is right I can't keep going like this. _She took a deep breath. "Ok. If you're serious about listening and not making judgments then I will try to let you in. To let you help. I do ask that you not tell anyone about what we discuss. I'm not ready for that."

"You have a deal. My lips will be sealed. Like I said I don't want to pressure you. Just tell me when you're ready. Ok?"

"Yeah. Do you want some more coffee? Mine is cold."

"Actually I'm getting hungry. I know of a great little diner on the east side of town."

"Mike, are you asking me out?"

"Maybe." He rose from the table and placed his mug in the sink. "I would really like for you to join me." Jesse gave him a quick smile. "Let me get changed."


	9. Chapter 9

Ch. 9:

Jesse sat at her kitchen table playing with a piece of paper that contained his phone number. _If you need anything call me. It doesn't matter if its two in the morning, call me. _It has been exactly three weeks since Mike showed up at her door worried. Work had been extremely busy; she had barely spent any time actually at the station. For some reason this time of year was always like that. People always lost their heads during the holidays. She had tried to figure out if she should tell Mike what had brought her to this dismal place of isolation._ It is time, time for me to trust someone, time to heal._ Giving a sigh she picked up the phone and dialed the number.

A part of her hoped he wouldn't be home and couldn't answer the phone. After four rings she heard his voice. "Stoker here." Jesse inhaled sharply. "Hey Mike its Jess."

"Jesse! Hi, what's up?"

"I didn't catch you at a bad time did I?"

"Nope. I'm just sitting here watching this disaster of a game. So I'll ask again, what's up?"

"Could…Could you come by this afternoon? I…I…I need to talk."

"Yeah, I can do that. Have you eaten?"

"No"

"Ok I'll bring some pizza and beer. Is around one ok?" Jesse hesitated. _That will give me time to find what I need._ "Yeah one is good, but I don't drink." _I can't. It will lead me down a path I don't want to ever take again._ "Oh! I'm sorry; I didn't know. Well then I will bring some Cokes. See you at one." After she hung up the phone she headed to the bedroom and began digging through her boxes.

At 12:45 Mike backed into a parking place by her truck and stared at her door. _No matter what you tell me, it doesn't change how I feel about you._ Taking a deep breath he grabbed the pizza and drinks and headed toward her apartment. At the top of the stairs Mrs. Dunlap greeted him on her way down. "Ah Michael! You're here to see Jesse, no doubt." Mike smiled. "Yes ma'am. I figured we'd hang out and watch a game together." She placed her frail hand on his arm. "I'm glad she has someone to watch out for her, especially someone so handsome. So young man when are you going to ask her on a date? It's obvious you like her." He stood back surprised. "I...I...uh." Mrs. Dunlap laughed and continued down the stairs. "Have a good day, Michael." He laughed to himself. _Mrs. Dunlap sure is observant. _Gaining his composure he knocked on Jesse's door.

Jesse placed the frame face down on the table and turned on some lights. _No sense sitting in the dark._ She adjusted the clips in her hair and smoothed out her shirt before opening the door. "Hi, come in." He placed the food on the kitchen counter and opened the boxes. "I didn't know if you preferred pepperoni or hamburger, so I got one of each." Taking a few deep breaths Jesse sat at the table. _No turning back now. _"Either is fine I'm not picky. Plates are above the sink."

"So, Jess what's on your mind?" He placed two plates on the table with two cans of Coke before taking a seat. She looked up from the table and took a deep breath. "I'm ready to tell you what happened." Mike gave her a gentle smile and took her hand. "Baby, take your time. If it gets too hard we'll take a break. I have nowhere else to be. I'm all yours." _I'd like to be all yours in more ways than one._ She took a long deep breath and began her story.

"You asked a while back about my necklace and I told you it belonged to my best friend. Brandon Weaver was his name and he wore this necklace every day till the day I killed him. His parents gave it to me at his funeral. Anyway, it had been one of those shifts; we hardly spent any time actually at the station. It was Thanksgiving Day; we lost the draw for shifts that year. We had just gotten in from a run at midnight. Some drunken guy thought it would be cool to fry a frozen turkey in his garage. Talk about a mess! Weaver and I had just lain down when the Klaxons sounded again calling us to a warehouse fire on the east end of town. It was only partially involved when we arrived. Captain Moore sent us into the bowels of the building trying to prevent the fire from spreading. It was a large warehouse filled with extremely flammable solvents. The last thing we needed was for that thing to go. Brandon loved fighting that kind of fire. He was an adrenaline junkie. That's why Captain sent us in. We'd been in there for around two hours and had made little progress on the fire. It was just burning too hot. Captain Moore came over the radio and told us to get out of there. Brandon told me it was time to go, b-b-but I…"

Jesse paused as her eyes began to fill with tears. Before taking a drink of Coke she wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry." She quietly whispered. Mike handed her a napkin. "It's ok. I told you to take your time. Do you need a break?" She shook her head and took several deep breaths.

"I refused to leave. Brandon waited five minutes before reminding me how Captain dealt with insubordination. I reluctantly agreed to halt fighting the fire and proceeded to lead us out. The warehouse was a mess, boxes and drums were overturned, and attack lines ran all across the floor. The thick black smoke impeded our vision making egress difficult. We'd gone maybe five hundred feet when I felt the floor shift under my feet. I turned around to grab Brandon but he was gone. He'd fallen through the floor. All there was a gaping hole with embers and smoke pouring out of it. I fell to my stomach and crawled to the edge. That's when I saw him hanging on a beam dangling above the fire. I tried my hardest to pull him to safety but between my awkward positioning and his weight I just couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough. His last words to me were for me to let go and that he'd always be with me. Mike he's dead! It's my fault! If I had left when told to, if I hadn't been there, he'd still be alive."

Jesse began to sob with raw emotion pouring forth. Mike got up and went to her side. Taking her into an embrace he let her cry. She buried her face into his shoulder and continued sobbing. He gently stroked her hair silently. After several minutes she pulled away. "Sorry about your shirt." Mike shrugged. "They are just tears, no big deal. It will dry. Your relationship with Brandon, it was more than just partners wasn't it?"

"Yes but not in how you're thinking. He was my brother." Mike gently wiped the tears from her face. "Jess that's how we all feel about the people we work with." Jesse shook her head. "No Mike. He was my _brother_." She turned over the picture frame on the table and passed it to him. "That's me and Brandon Weaver. That picture had been taken right after we had gotten done with our first live burn at the academy." Mike stared in shock at the photo. Brandon and Jesse looked exactly alike, and not because they were both wearing full turnouts and helmets. They had the same hair color, same facial structure and even the same crooked smile. The only difference was their gender. Even the way they had posed for the picture was the same. "Jess? How'd…I mean…You have different last names!" Mike looked at her obviously in shock. She only smiled. "See I told you he was my brother."


End file.
